Managing people is more about managing yourself.

In case anyone I’ve managed reads this and thinks I am suggesting I’m the best ever, I will say up front, I have the mug as proof. But seriously, I know that I’m not, though I try. 

Management is a practice never perfected. The people you manage change, grow, and move on. At every point in the life of a manager, you also evolve and adapt.

There isn’t much about management that hasn’t been written. Even Michael Scott wrote “Somehow, I manage.” But I believe each of us has something to offer that may unlock something, particularly for new(er) people managers.

Here are a few things I’ve learned while managing people.

What if they are right?

When you first get promoted to a management role, it is easy to think it is because you mastered the business. That elevation in status feels like you’ve been given authority to impose your will on those around you like Leo Messi and MLS defenses. Melodramatic? Perhaps, but I challenge anyone that has moved up in their career to tell me truthfully there isn’t a small feeling that you are the expert.

As a subject matter expert, it can be hard to allow opinions to run counter to your own. And as a managing subject matter expert, you may feel your team should endorse, and work toward, your opinion. It isn’t necessarily a conscious thought, but it can tank your ability to rally the troops.

What I have learned is to ask myself, what if they are right? They, being your direct reports.

If you pause to ask yourself, “what if they are right?” you should be able to avoid knee-jerk reactions that create the fear of reproach in your team. The phrase also opens your mind to alternate possibilities and forces you to make the idea make sense in your own head.

Use the opportunity this reactive pause creates to ask questions, probe. While you may never come to agree fully with your team, you should at least learn what inspired the idea and what they were trying to solve by presenting it. That exploration may lead you to a more cohesive solution for all.

As you are exploring, you will be asking questions.

Ask questions, but don’t question.

Over the years, this bit of knowledge has been hard-fought and won. Even now, I have to work at it. Unfortunately it isn't like sticking your finger in a light socket. One good shock doesn't cure you of the desire to poke.

The difference between asking questions and questioning is the presence of doubt. Questioning ensures a defensive posture from your direct reports because it is clear you disagree with or doubt their assertion. Fear is stoked. Teams become less likely to speak up, which limits your potential because all you output now are only your ideas. And despite being the subject matter expert, you aren’t that great, (at least not on your own without other views to build on).

Ask questions phrased to illicit thought, not simply explanations.

Consider:

What were you thinking?

Vs. 

Tell me what you want me to take away from this.

When put side by side, there is a clear difference. What were you thinking is still a legitimate question, comes loaded with doubt.

Ironically, sometimes the best way to ask a question that doesn’t question someone, is to use an imperative statement and abandon the question mark altogether.

“Tell me more about…”

“Help me understand…” 

These are imperative statements that take ownership for your role in transactional communications. It is like saying “I didn’t quite understand this” vs. “You didn’t explain this well enough.”

This simple approach empowers your team to continue to build and refine how they communicate.

Let them win.

New managers are prone to believing their direct reports will adapt to their way of working. It is natural to assume this because most feel their own manager made them adapt. But managing people can really only be affective if you determine what works for each direct report, not what works for you. 

You will bang your head against the wall. You will be disappointed every single time they don’t “get it” because you once “got it” and it is so simple. 

This isn’t about you. It isn’t about how good your way was when you got promoted. 

It is about coaching your team to find its own way of doing things. The ends will matter more than the means. Let them win.

Practice letting go of things that don’t matter. 

Style is often one of those. Allow your team to have a different style than you, as long as the work is correct. This doesn’t mean you can’t show them a different way, just don’t force that different way. 

Early in my career, I was the subject of a number of aggressive red pens. I fear the red pen analogy is lost on the current generation of workers with less on paper and more done electronically, but the principle is the same.  Your work is being marked up.

I hated this. “I’m a great writer,” I would say to myself. “This made total sense.” And it usually did, but looking back, it wasn’t right for the audience.

My managers understood that I wasn’t going to see where I was missing on my own. So they marked up my communications.

I tried the red pen method when I got promoted, because it had worked on me. Maybe I needed that kind of prodding, and in the end, I learned from it. But I didn’t like it.

Eventually, what I developed as a manager goes back to asking questions.

“How might you say this more economically?” The need to correct is implied, the instruction to rewrite is there, but it lacks sting. It feels more like you are giving the reason something needs to change in the same breath as you are saying something needs changing.

You as a manager have to give the team time to solve it their own way. It takes time to get there but they get there feeling better about themselves.

Let them win on that.

And while you are at it, let them make decisions too.

When I disagreed with a member of my team on something subjective, I would push them to find allies. If they were able to convince others – often peers – to agree with their approach, I would allow them to decide. After all, we were in a subjective business and influence over your peers counted for something. I still could chafe at the ultimate direction but that’s on me to handle. 

If you can manage your own tendencies, you’ll be able to manage others more effectively.

If you are looking for someone to build a strong working team, consider bringing me in. I’ve managed to manage myself and have proven that with managing others. Did you manage to catch all that?